Important Safety Information

(ed. note: This was originally posted on Nov 15, 2008. I felt like revisiting it. For my own amusement.)

I felt compelled to write something but now I'm sitting here and I've found I have nothing to say. You see, I had planned this whole thing out. Wake up, pout, make a call and get bad news, sulk, play poker to get over it, sulk some more, start feeling sorry for myself, get drunk, get laid THEN write this awe-inspiring post about my pain. But I've got nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that is how my day went. Some parts were omitted for brevity's sake. Some I just didn't get around to. And things happened that were not in the plan. But when a little happiness is thrown in the way of a lousy day (ed. especially one that was planned) all the wind can be taken from the sails of your righteous indignation. But I digress...

It has been brought to my attention that there might be some confusion as to what and who I'm referring to when I write on this thing. Get the FUCK over yourselves. I'm not doing this to entertain or report on my life. Some of you KNOW and some of you THINK you know. That is where the fun is for me :-) I just want to write the lessons that I am learning down, so when I'm stupid at another moment in my life I can have a kind of instructions manual for my heart, brain and crotch. Who could ask for anything more.
The reason WHY there is some confusion is because I do not name people when I talk about them (although, if you've been in the know, you know I've already cheated on that rule. Tee Hee!). What I write can/might/will be seen by some of my friends who know/might know/are some of my other friends. Or maybe you just happen to know who "I" am but don't know who "they" are. My private life is private, my feelings about it are not. If I am quoting you/someone you know/a song/my monkey I will identify those people with their initials. That way they will know that I'm not ripping them off, but those who don't know where it comes from, but may know that person, are protected from ruining somebody else's day/week/month/year/life/lunch.

If you know who I'm talking about, cool. If not, cool. Just...be cool.

Beware.

I might not be talking about you. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!
 Don't take it personally. Just ask Carly Simon.

I might not be talking about someone you know. REALLY, I MIGHT NOT BE. Don't feel out of the loop. I barely know these people myself.
Your comments will, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE, be taken off by me. Like I said earlier, this is an instructions manual. I need user's notes. What you say will sometimes show the effects of my actions and the weight of my words. That's the whole point. Make good use of the space.

I'll try not to beat a dead horse. If I seem obsessed, let me know. It's bound to happen, I just want to set up a good safety net NOW.

Feel free to invite anyone you think would care for my writing to look. This is a way I've chosen to expose myself to new people, so if you have anybody in mind, this is probably ALL good stuff to know about me before attempting to attempt me. And while I abhor shameless self-promotion, I am not above asking my friends to do it for me. Thank you, J.F. or whatever you call yourself nowadays...prodogy...

If you have a question, ask it. You can put it in the Truth Box on my page if you would prefer. I don't promise to write about it. But I just might answer it. Then again, I might just write about it and NOT answer it. Yikes. But don't harass any of my friends about it. They don't know what the ringmaster is doing.

Above all else, it is important to know that I am always right, unless I say so, in which case I will have corrected myself therefore making myself right again. Since this process is instantaneous, I am always right. Unless the Queen of New Orleans (pronounced "Naahwlins") says I'm wrong, but that's another story.
How I wish...I was...in...

If you are on my list of friends on this page you all have something in common. Take a look. I'm not promising quality, but you might see something you wish you hadn't. And if all of you do the whole "recommending me" thing to people, the list is bound to be all sorts of fun! How can you get on that list? Just ask.

I DO NOT validate parking. Don't ask. And, no, you cannot get your two dollars back.

...and have a drink..roll the dice...if it ain't that ol' Chucky Weis...and Clayborn Avenue...Me and You...Sam Jones-ing all...

Don't expose them to sunlight, don't get them wet and, whatever you do, NEVER feed them after midnight.

...hoist up a few cold tall ones...lean your head back and listen...to that tenor...sax...ophone call...ing me home...

I reserve the right to change/alter/rescind/ignore this one time/add/amend/arbitrarily enforce any of the above statements at my convenience. I'm just a bitch that way.

...wear...that dress...I like so well...meet...me at...the old saloon...make...sure it's...a whiskey moon...

If for some reason you want to know about my day-to-day stuff, look for me on Facebook. That's more of my porch, this is more like my bedoom. I'll let you in, but we're not here to watch cars go by...bonus points if you spell my name correctly when you look! ;-P
(postscript: Clearly my name does not appear here nor is there a link to Facebook anywhere. I don't intend to have either of them here. At least for now. I just couldn't bring myself to change any of the old writing. The note at the top was added the 1st time I re-posted this blog on MySpace. I am reposting it now because the same rules apply. Except the ones that don't anymore.)