(ed. note: I am reposting this simply because it is, possibly, my favorite thing I've written. Originally posted on 5-14-09)
"...tell me, which one do you flip?"
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It's like a sudden clap of lightning really, really close.
I grew up in a place where sudden storms were commonplace. Still are. And if you've ever been that close to a REAL storm you know that momentary feeling of...panic. You won't be harmed, and you know it. And yet, maybe, you could be. But that moment floods your mind with all of the things that are about to happen. The truly awesome power that is nature bearing it's full rage on your particular piece of reality.
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"Just say it..."
dON'T SAY IT. iT WILL BE BAD. yOU JUST GOT AN OUT. sHE WALKED OUT ON YOUR FIRST TRY! tAKE HER GIFT!! tAKE IT. dON'T BE AN IDIOT.
You have to say it. She needs to hear it. It is true. Don't lie anymore. Pretend all you want, just don't lie to her again.
"No matter how much we would like it to be otherwise, at some point, we are in a perfect position to become each other's...."
stop, stop, stop!!! sHE ALREADY KNOWS! cAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO HER? cAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE RUINING YOUR LAST CHANCE? aGAIN?!?! wHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!? yOU are LYING TO HER!!!
You aren't lying to her. She deserves to know. Don't give her a way out. Don't give her an excuse. Don't ruin her life. Say it and it will be real. You know it is real. Tell her.
"...and someday I'm going to find someone that I want to share a...similar connection with. Or maybe YOU will find yourself in the same spot..."
cAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF?!? rEALLY, YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!? tHIS ISN'T AN ODDS CALCULATION!?! tHIS IS love!!! yOU WANT THIS!! wHY ARE YOU RUINING IT?!?
You aren't ruining it. You are doing the right thing. You are helping in the only way you can. Show her she made the right choice. Show her you've let her go. Let her breathe. Let her rest. She's so tired...
"...and when that day comes we'll have to say goodbye..."
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For those not in the know, I grew up in an island. For the first 4 or so years of my life I lived in the northern part, in the middle of the city. Then my mother moved us to the eastern part of the middle of the island. Protected by a mountain range that contains a rainforest I experienced many a great storm in relative safety. As much safety as Yukiyu provided the Tainos, and still does.
Hurricanes are my favorites. I know. You say something like that and people think you are some sort of wacko who wants to see the world destroyed. I assure you, I'm not. But having experienced many of the variations of Mother Nature's wrath, I've come to appreciate its beauty.
Which brings me back to hurricanes. The U.S. has it lousy when it comes to these suckers, but you could have it worse. You see, the lower part of the eastern seaboard is where ALL hurricanes come to die. For the most part they are responsible for the weather patterns for the whole year in the equatorial part of the globe. Unfortunately for Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, North and South Carolina, and parts of Texas, they are in the line of fire.
But what we DON'T get here is the eye. Florida gets it every once in a while. It is GLORIOUS. My mother wouldn't let me go outside, but I told her I needed to use the bathroom, and I knew she was too scared to leave my room. Then I was in it. In my mind, that is proof of God right there. It is like hitting the pause button on a movie. Still. Quiet as death. With the promise of such violence yet to come. It is at this moment that you KNOW you are alive, because you know that, any second now, you might die. You 'ought get back inside. Quick.
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"...I'm enjoying it, for now..."
You've done the right thing. She's free now. It is real to her too. She can let you go now.
ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,hah!!!! yOU DUMB FUCK! yOU'VE GONE AN DONE IT NOW. dID YOU HEAR YOURSELF? dID YOU?!?! yUP, YOU SAID IT!! yOU SAID it!!! yOU DESERVE THIS, YOU LOUSY PIECE OF SHIT!! yOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HEART! yOU NEVER DESERVED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
You did. You did deserve it. But you couldn't handle it. So you wrecked it. That was then, this is now. You've done the right thing now.
tHE RIGHT THING?!? wHAT YOU DID WAS QUIT. wHAT YOU DID WAS PLAY IT SAFE. hOW ABOUT your NEEDS? wHAT ABOUT WHAT you WANT? wHATEVER HAPPENED TO "...if there is a single breath left in my body, I'll make you the happiest woman in the world. I SWEAR to you, I will...", HUH? wHAT ABOUT that!!!
That is what you've done. You've kept your promise. You are not what she wants or what will make her happy. You know what will. You've let her go and get it. You've stepped out of the way. You kept your promise. She will be happy now.
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The backside of hurricanes are much worse than the front half. That is why I was as protected as I was where I lived. Yukiyu watches over us and fights Juracan under the sunset. Everything is reversed. In a hurricane you should keep the windows in the house on the opposite side of the wind open to alleviate the air pressure difference between outside and inside. If you go through the eye, these windows change. You only have so much time to get that done. It takes longer if you have to find your son first.
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Author's note:
This is where this blog ends. Not because I can't keep writing (God knows it 's not because of THAT!! ed.), but because I don't know what the other side brings. Just like in a hurricane. These 2 to 5 minutes of my life just happened today. It felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane and I'm just coming to grips with it now, hours after it happened. The person who it is about won't be able to read this, and that is a courtesy I don't often extend. Maybe someday I'll be able to be honest enough to show it.
We've all had moments like this one, where we make a decision REAL by sharing it with someone else. Until it is heard you can always go back on your word. And, invariably, the proverbial "angel and demon" appear on your shoulder as you are doing it. But it isn't as clear as they make it seem in cartoons. Both sides make sense at some point. And it usually isn't about "good and evil". It's about "me first or me second". I know what decision I've made in this example, and I am prepared to live with my decision, no matter the outcome. I would just like to know who was the angel and who was the devil.
What do YOU think?
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"...I thought I was ready to say it. I wasn't. You were right. I should have stayed quiet...damn..."
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