Which means "until later" in Spanish. In 2 days I am taking my things and leaving my mother's house. I'll be staying with my grandparents. There is no computer there. 10 days after that I will be leaving with them (assuming the plan doesn't get changed on me. Yet again.) to go to FL. I don't know if they have a computer there. So I want to drop a little CUL8R.
The last 2 months have been a challenge, much like the last time I was on this island. I guess I knew that before coming. I'm still not sure why I didn't expect it to be that way. I came with great expectations and the belief that, even though it meant giving up all the places and people that I love, it would be in my best interest. Turns out it has been quite the opposite. Not only did I lose what I KNEW I was losing, I've also lost what I came for.
For those not completely in the loop, I came for school. I wanted to move forward in the field I have recently entered and filling in the knowledge I lack is the only way forward. I thought I was going to fiind that here. At least, that is what I was led to believe. I was wrong. Now I must find some other way to do it. I am determined to make it happen, one way or another.
This might mean being "off-line" for an extended period, something I am not exactly looking forward to. I've become incredibly dependent on this "social networking" technology. So much so that it is the only link I have to people anymore. The only way to say hello, or I miss you or ask for help or...whatever I need to say.
I went looking for some old "traveling songs" of mine today. They put me in the right mindframe to be strong enough to not look back. Looking backwards while walking forward can have some negative effects. Like running into what you are heading towards and hurting yourself with it. Like making you turn around. Or just plain freezing in place. I cannot afford any of these.
I am pretty sure tomorrow will be the last time I have access to this computer so I want to leave each of you guys with a little personalized message. I imagine most of you won't see it (my blog isn't exactly "required reading" for many of you guys) but I want it to be there just in case you do decide to give it a whirl. Or maybe you start wondering what happened and decide to investigate and find it. Or someone tells you I left you a message. Whatever the reason know this; you are special to me in a very unique way and no matter where I end up, whether we see each other soon or a lifetime from now, I'll always carry a bit of you with me. Always.
So without further ado:
(I am doing this list alphabetically. No favorites that way.)
Abel (y el Corillo): Hermano. Caballero. Distinguido. Gracias por cubrime con el plantel de tu amistad y tu familia (nuclear y "extendida"). Tu apoyo ha hecho que estos meses no fueran completamente amargos.
Avery: My "dot,dot,dot" sister! I wish I could lend you my strenght right now. And I know you wish you could do the same for me. We do better when we do together.
Candice: Keep your head up. I know you are tired. I know you are scared. I know you worry. I know you want answers that give you peace. I know you deserve them just as much as the next person does. Don't worry so much. Me & Thump Thump have your back. AATA. Goodnite, Elisabeth...
Celeste: Even though there isn't a whole lot of "smile" left in this "little boy" I'm always going to save that song for you. Karaoke Hat Partners forever!
Gravylegs (no, this isn't out of order): I expect at least 1 of your monthly conquests to be screaming MY name when you give her the stunner. I'll meet you in the DaHui's bathroom.
Christina: Heading your way soon...can I still crash if I need to? I promise I'll behave.
Craig: I might be heading your way soon as well...can I still crash if I need to? I promise I'll mis-behave.
Danny and David: Please keep an eye on our Little Boy Blue for me. I remember how I felt when it all came crashing down around me and I wish I had had friends like you guys around to make it a little better. Miss ya tons.
Mr. Bowman: Hope the coup goes well and no innocent blood is shed. If I ever find myself on your side of the pond we'll go searching for Drambuie again.
Desi: You be good, young lady. Try to keep yourself in one piece until I get back so I can give you a speech about how much boys suck. P.S. Vampires don't exist.
DD: What can I say to the woman who saved my life and held me together long enough for me to leave on a magical journey? Thank you. Truly. For everything. After all these years I still know what I gave up.
El Bonk: Your example of a life well lived has always been an inspiration to me. You never quit and you have some amazing to show for it. Thanks for the plate-on-a-stick.
Gabe: You glorious, gay, film god! It is always a blast to hear from you and your adventures. I still haven't seen that video we shot. You know. The one with Scott, and you and that other guy? You know...
Gem: I'm coming, baby! As soon as I can. And when I do everything will be tits bitchin!! Promise. I miss you something fierce.
Gero: Keep your eyes on the sky and the foot on the gas, hermano. Eventually we are bound to get this thing they call life right. Right? Hope to see you soon.
Grilla & co: Thanks for Thanksgiving. Sorry I was a dick and ruined it.
Manolito: Even after all these years of absence you still care. I truly appreciate that. Especially seeing how many others that were actually HERE didn't seem to. Thank you.
Julia: Who'da thunk it, huh? BTW, I'm keeping the baby names. Just in case. Thanks.
Julian: It was real nice finding you after all this time. I'm glad you never quit like I did. Hope it isn't another 15 years until we see each other again.
Karen: My favorite cousin. (Yeah, I know. I said I wouldn't play favorites. Whatever. Suck it.) Thank you for your support. You know how important family is to me and you listened when all I could do was bitch about it. Hope yours is all back together sooner than you expect.
Karla the Pixie: Still looking forward to helping you cross me off your Bucket List. LMAO! Stay true, my dear. You rawk!
JK: If you never finish writing anything ever again you'll still be the best writer I know. You speak from the heart and listen from it too. Thank you for your friendship and, especially, for your honesty. And don't forget. When I get back, Islamic Karaoke Challenge is on like Donkey Kong hitting a bong!!
Nashyra: I know you don't care and I know you would rather I didn't either. I know you didn't believe me then and you don't believe me now when I say I love you. But I do. Thank you. You made me strong by breaking me down and showing me where I wasn't all "nice and perfect". Even though I probably didn't deserve the favor. I am very appreciative of that.
Patti, Scott, Argamosos, Acer Pacer and Mr. Kitty Mrew Mrow: If home is where the heart is then my home is with you guys. And if home is where your stuff is then my home is with you guys. And if home if where you hang your hat then my home is with you guys. And if there is no place like home then...can I move back in? P.S. I have July as my target. I'll do everything I can. I swear.
Paulie: In the short amount of time I've "had you back" you've put the most smiles on my face. Always good for that. Keep Dayton alive for me, wherever you go.
PJ: We can't make snow angels or sled down Stuart Hill anymore. But we can still root for Harold Miner.
Poker: You bitch....
Woodster: I'm glad Dayton still has good people left. And I promise that I'll do everything I can to accelerate the fall of the Federal Reserve. It is the least I can do.
Rob: Save me some sauce, man. First thing we are doing when I get back is go to The Acrop, get a burger (hopefully they have pickles this time) and we are SOOOO taking some strippers home with us. If that doesn't work we'll go egg Boomer's house.
Shannon: You dirty pool playing hussy! As soon as I have a phone I expect porn getting sent to it in copious amounts. And dry-hump Dan for me, will ya?
Sick: You aren't all THAT bad at poker...and you'll never hear me say that again! Please take care of yourself. I know right now it is tough. I've been there. Still sort of am. But it does get better. And who knows, maybe someday you'll beat me at poker! AWW SNAP!!!!! THAT JUST HAPPENED!!! :-P
Thamara: I had forgotten how dirty you can be. I miss those simpler days when "safe sex" was having a padded headboard. You bring the blue pills, I'll bring the wuhu.
Von Dave: "Sorry mister officer, I think you got me wrong. I'm a lonely, old Portland boy and I wanna get on home. He smiled and said Se~or, you're not in Portland anymore..." Rock on, sir. Rock on.
Winnie: Sorry I'm can't be who you want me to be when you want me to be it. But I do love you. Thank you and Jean for a bunch of really awesome times. But for the love of Christ, lay off the radio when you are driving! You are going to kill me!!!
I think I got most everybody I meant to get. I read through the list twice. Pretty satisfied with it. If I didn't get you leave me a message and call me names I probably deserve. I plan to be available on Facebook as soon as possible, but as I said, my immediate future might require a little "e-distance". I'll miss you all quite a bit. And I hope that our paths will cross very soon. And remember:
"Some of us fly and some of us worry of touching the sun with our wings. I know if I try I'll get where I'm going. So I'm keeping my eyes on the sky."
Gotta fly,
M
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Drinking White Wine In The Sun or "Musings on the Ghosts of Christmas' Past"
The holiday season is usually tough on me. Even when things are going good and everything is right with the world I tend to get down. I've found that this phenomenon is tied to my family. Not because the Christmases I spent growing up were bad. Quite the contrary. They were the best times I had growing up. Actually the ONLY good times I had growing up. There were, obviously, presents and expectations and great food. We went to see family members and had great parties. My mother smiled.
I didn't have a very healthy upbringing, emotionally speaking. Abuse, fights, anger and fear were things that were everyday realities I had to deal with. I did pretty well, considering. So unfortunately this time of year reminds me of all those times that were good. I know this last sentence might seem a little off to most people. How in the world can you feel bad about being reminded of good times? It is because I realize what I've lost. Or never really had. At this point it is hard to tell.
It wasn't always this way, but all I really want out of life is a certain stability that is usually found in the familiar. I don't neccessarily mean the things we see or experience everyday and know well, but things related to family, which we should see every day and know well. Which, I guess, makes that last sentence a little redundant. And "family" can mean parents or children or grandparents or lovers or pets or friends or...so many things that make "home" a lot more than just a place, but a state of mind, a certain brand of happiness.
Over the last several years I've lost "home" more than once, in many contexts. Sometimes by my own design and doing and other times because of the turns the world has taken around me. And every time I have set out to re-define my idea of it, desperately clinging to that feeling of comfort by which I define it. I don't really know much about what it should look like, or the things I need to have or achieve in order to get there. I've been wrong about who it is it needs to have to be where it needs to be and why it isn't what it should be when I thought I had it. But I know how it should feel. And I know how it doesn't.
This year I've spent this holiday season with my family. And while I didn't just come for that it is one of the things I was looking forward to. The last couple of years these days have been extra rough, so I allowed myself to fantasize about happy times and I imagined what these ones would be like. We would drive around, visiting relatives, hearing the same tired lines about how long it has been and how nice it is that we are all together again. And we would eat. Feasts of seasonal proportions and portions. Things we would see that we wouldn't see all year long. Neighbors would come by and sing on our doorstep until we opened the door and we let them in. We would go to church early in the morning.
Sadly, I was mistaken. Seems my family has stopped having this time together anymore. They don't visit or make big meals or sing songs on the street or put up a tree or decorate much of anything or make eggnog or...anything. These are just another couple of days now. Mundanely normal. Except with more shopping and more days off in which we do chores we didn't do all year. And TV. Lots of TV. THAT they share. Nobody is upset or angry then. Just quiet.
This has made me sad. I feel a profound sense of loss, like someone has stolen from me, something so precious. I have decided that there is no longer a reason for me to be here because of this. If there is no hope of seeing that glimpse of goodness they used to have why sit around waiting for something they can't even give themselves? Even if they faked it, like we used to, I couldn't enjoy it anyways. Not anymore.
And it makes me wonder, next Christmas season, when I start thinking of what these days used to be, when I want to cry for that little boy I used to be, when the reality of life runs straight into the brick wall of memory and splits my lip with a smile...will I be sad? Will the memories I have be of those years long ago when things were better? Will I wish I was around my family, just so we could pretend that we were a normal, good bunch, drinking from the same bottle of happiness we denied ourselves all year long? Or will I be happy because I no longer have to worry about what I gave up, since it doesn't exist anymore? Will I be glad to be away from them? Will I be a little more at ease knowing that I needn't worry because, in fact, there is no Santa Claus.
I hope not. I hope I can still cry at the knowledge that my upbringing was hell. I'll wish that the ghost of a dozen Christmas' past would haunt me again, making me miss those people that only existed 3 weeks a year. I'll pray for the anxiety of loneliness, the tension of family that can't be, the pressure of expectations that were never, and quite possibly never will, be met. And then I'll try to make a home out of it. I'll find new players for those old roles. There will be a new family. And we'll sing songs in the street and we'll eat foods we won't see all year long. We'll visit people and places and we'll know it is good.
Because we'll know we are family.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCNvZqpa-7Q
I didn't have a very healthy upbringing, emotionally speaking. Abuse, fights, anger and fear were things that were everyday realities I had to deal with. I did pretty well, considering. So unfortunately this time of year reminds me of all those times that were good. I know this last sentence might seem a little off to most people. How in the world can you feel bad about being reminded of good times? It is because I realize what I've lost. Or never really had. At this point it is hard to tell.
It wasn't always this way, but all I really want out of life is a certain stability that is usually found in the familiar. I don't neccessarily mean the things we see or experience everyday and know well, but things related to family, which we should see every day and know well. Which, I guess, makes that last sentence a little redundant. And "family" can mean parents or children or grandparents or lovers or pets or friends or...so many things that make "home" a lot more than just a place, but a state of mind, a certain brand of happiness.
Over the last several years I've lost "home" more than once, in many contexts. Sometimes by my own design and doing and other times because of the turns the world has taken around me. And every time I have set out to re-define my idea of it, desperately clinging to that feeling of comfort by which I define it. I don't really know much about what it should look like, or the things I need to have or achieve in order to get there. I've been wrong about who it is it needs to have to be where it needs to be and why it isn't what it should be when I thought I had it. But I know how it should feel. And I know how it doesn't.
This year I've spent this holiday season with my family. And while I didn't just come for that it is one of the things I was looking forward to. The last couple of years these days have been extra rough, so I allowed myself to fantasize about happy times and I imagined what these ones would be like. We would drive around, visiting relatives, hearing the same tired lines about how long it has been and how nice it is that we are all together again. And we would eat. Feasts of seasonal proportions and portions. Things we would see that we wouldn't see all year long. Neighbors would come by and sing on our doorstep until we opened the door and we let them in. We would go to church early in the morning.
Sadly, I was mistaken. Seems my family has stopped having this time together anymore. They don't visit or make big meals or sing songs on the street or put up a tree or decorate much of anything or make eggnog or...anything. These are just another couple of days now. Mundanely normal. Except with more shopping and more days off in which we do chores we didn't do all year. And TV. Lots of TV. THAT they share. Nobody is upset or angry then. Just quiet.
This has made me sad. I feel a profound sense of loss, like someone has stolen from me, something so precious. I have decided that there is no longer a reason for me to be here because of this. If there is no hope of seeing that glimpse of goodness they used to have why sit around waiting for something they can't even give themselves? Even if they faked it, like we used to, I couldn't enjoy it anyways. Not anymore.
And it makes me wonder, next Christmas season, when I start thinking of what these days used to be, when I want to cry for that little boy I used to be, when the reality of life runs straight into the brick wall of memory and splits my lip with a smile...will I be sad? Will the memories I have be of those years long ago when things were better? Will I wish I was around my family, just so we could pretend that we were a normal, good bunch, drinking from the same bottle of happiness we denied ourselves all year long? Or will I be happy because I no longer have to worry about what I gave up, since it doesn't exist anymore? Will I be glad to be away from them? Will I be a little more at ease knowing that I needn't worry because, in fact, there is no Santa Claus.
I hope not. I hope I can still cry at the knowledge that my upbringing was hell. I'll wish that the ghost of a dozen Christmas' past would haunt me again, making me miss those people that only existed 3 weeks a year. I'll pray for the anxiety of loneliness, the tension of family that can't be, the pressure of expectations that were never, and quite possibly never will, be met. And then I'll try to make a home out of it. I'll find new players for those old roles. There will be a new family. And we'll sing songs in the street and we'll eat foods we won't see all year long. We'll visit people and places and we'll know it is good.
Because we'll know we are family.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCNvZqpa-7Q
Monday, December 20, 2010
I Am Not The Man You Met...
"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning into the darkness of being." CJJ
My life has been interesting the last few years, to put it mildly. And I recently find myself on a particularly interesting turn in it. No pun intended, but mildly appropriate...if you got it. One of the things that I try to focus on nowadays as I figure my way through these moments is observation and analysis. My current ventures require a lot of it.
Things are tough here in the 21st century, and if you don't pay attention you'll get run over. But advice that, while still very true, is forgotten increasingly more so nowadays is that those who forget their past are doomed to repeat it. There are wars currently ocurring that do more to underscore the point than anything I could come up with.
So it bears noticing not only what path you are on but what path you took to get here. No sense walking in circles. Now, to be fair, most of us have walked in some sort of circle more than once. It is called a Life Script. Not to bore you with details here, but it refers in the Psych realms, to the patterns that people repeat in moments of stress. We all have them, there are many different variations and we all go back to them without noticing when we are faced with an unexpected decision or moment. Somebody cut you off, you just got a huge PGE bill, you meet someone attractive, you are made an offer, you fight, etc. There are too many positive and negative stressors to name here.
When these moments happen everybody has a little "playbook" that we subconciously go to. That's not to say you will handle all of these moments the same. Depending on the particular make up of the moment in how it presents itself, or rather, how you PERCEIVE that it presents itself, AND combined with your particular personality type, they will cause certain "predetermined" reactions and attitudes in us. You can almost predict them to a T if you can determine what their true personality type is. Even more so when you truly know someone. I now have to do this a lot in my day to day life. Just a quirk of the enviornment. It is quickly becoming my job. And to be honest I kinda like it. But I digress....
The point here being not that we are all predictable (Though we are. ed.), but that there are things about ourselves and the way we act and make decisions that, for the most part, we live unaware of. Everybody is guilty of that at one point or another. Show me a man who has been completely self aware and I will show you an asylum's padded room.
Unless...
YES!!! There is an "unless..."! 2 things. Pay Attention. Work Smarter.
We've all heard of the Golden Rule. "Treat people like you would want to be treated." Sounds awesome. Makes for a good soundbite. It is absolute crap. Let me repeat myself. I THINK THE GOLEDN RULE IS ABSOLUTE CRAP. People don't want to be treated like you do. They want to be treated like THEY do. They have their own script.
Same for you. Same for me. The trick is to know what yours is, recognize what other's are and act and speak accordingly to get best results.
You ever had one of those bosses that was ALWAYS right? I mean, it didn't matter if you were having a conversation about how you threw a BBQ at your place and how you grilled the chicken breasts he would come over and totally tell you you did that wrong or he says his marinade is better or something to correct you. He's a hardass. When you have a good idea he didn't think of he puts you down for it, but later he'll use it. That kind of a guy. In most places everybody kisses his ass to his face and talks crap behind his back. Why?
Because most people aren't jerky like that so they think "Maybe if I cozy up to the boss he will at least not direct it at me as much. He acts like he wants respect, let's give it to him" But that guy, he doesn't think like that. That is why he is a jerk. He wants you to NEED him to be like that. He thinks you are inferior. He needs you to be inferior. That is how he measures himself. By BEING the boss. Ask this guy for advice or help and watch a whole new side of him.
Validation is something everybody wants. Most people have vastly different ways of getting it. Give it to them in the correct or ideal way and you can get away with murder. At least you will understand how they think and might act better. Then use that to your advantage.
These are a powerful skill set to have, awareness and understanding. But they are useless if not pointed inwards first AND regularly with honest eyes. This is the hard one for me. I keep forgetting MY tells. I forget, just for a second, how I am going to react in a certain situation and how far I'll get myself in that same situation without realizing where I am going because I have already been there. And it isn't wrong to go back, but only if you know you are and you meant to.
My life has been interesting the last few years, to put it mildly. And I recently find myself on a particularly interesting turn in it. No pun intended, but mildly appropriate...if you got it. One of the things that I try to focus on nowadays as I figure my way through these moments is observation and analysis. My current ventures require a lot of it.
Things are tough here in the 21st century, and if you don't pay attention you'll get run over. But advice that, while still very true, is forgotten increasingly more so nowadays is that those who forget their past are doomed to repeat it. There are wars currently ocurring that do more to underscore the point than anything I could come up with.
So it bears noticing not only what path you are on but what path you took to get here. No sense walking in circles. Now, to be fair, most of us have walked in some sort of circle more than once. It is called a Life Script. Not to bore you with details here, but it refers in the Psych realms, to the patterns that people repeat in moments of stress. We all have them, there are many different variations and we all go back to them without noticing when we are faced with an unexpected decision or moment. Somebody cut you off, you just got a huge PGE bill, you meet someone attractive, you are made an offer, you fight, etc. There are too many positive and negative stressors to name here.
When these moments happen everybody has a little "playbook" that we subconciously go to. That's not to say you will handle all of these moments the same. Depending on the particular make up of the moment in how it presents itself, or rather, how you PERCEIVE that it presents itself, AND combined with your particular personality type, they will cause certain "predetermined" reactions and attitudes in us. You can almost predict them to a T if you can determine what their true personality type is. Even more so when you truly know someone. I now have to do this a lot in my day to day life. Just a quirk of the enviornment. It is quickly becoming my job. And to be honest I kinda like it. But I digress....
The point here being not that we are all predictable (Though we are. ed.), but that there are things about ourselves and the way we act and make decisions that, for the most part, we live unaware of. Everybody is guilty of that at one point or another. Show me a man who has been completely self aware and I will show you an asylum's padded room.
Unless...
YES!!! There is an "unless..."! 2 things. Pay Attention. Work Smarter.
We've all heard of the Golden Rule. "Treat people like you would want to be treated." Sounds awesome. Makes for a good soundbite. It is absolute crap. Let me repeat myself. I THINK THE GOLEDN RULE IS ABSOLUTE CRAP. People don't want to be treated like you do. They want to be treated like THEY do. They have their own script.
Same for you. Same for me. The trick is to know what yours is, recognize what other's are and act and speak accordingly to get best results.
You ever had one of those bosses that was ALWAYS right? I mean, it didn't matter if you were having a conversation about how you threw a BBQ at your place and how you grilled the chicken breasts he would come over and totally tell you you did that wrong or he says his marinade is better or something to correct you. He's a hardass. When you have a good idea he didn't think of he puts you down for it, but later he'll use it. That kind of a guy. In most places everybody kisses his ass to his face and talks crap behind his back. Why?
Because most people aren't jerky like that so they think "Maybe if I cozy up to the boss he will at least not direct it at me as much. He acts like he wants respect, let's give it to him" But that guy, he doesn't think like that. That is why he is a jerk. He wants you to NEED him to be like that. He thinks you are inferior. He needs you to be inferior. That is how he measures himself. By BEING the boss. Ask this guy for advice or help and watch a whole new side of him.
Validation is something everybody wants. Most people have vastly different ways of getting it. Give it to them in the correct or ideal way and you can get away with murder. At least you will understand how they think and might act better. Then use that to your advantage.
These are a powerful skill set to have, awareness and understanding. But they are useless if not pointed inwards first AND regularly with honest eyes. This is the hard one for me. I keep forgetting MY tells. I forget, just for a second, how I am going to react in a certain situation and how far I'll get myself in that same situation without realizing where I am going because I have already been there. And it isn't wrong to go back, but only if you know you are and you meant to.
A Devil & An Angel Dancing In The Eye
(ed. note: I am reposting this simply because it is, possibly, my favorite thing I've written. Originally posted on 5-14-09)
"...tell me, which one do you flip?"
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It's like a sudden clap of lightning really, really close.
I grew up in a place where sudden storms were commonplace. Still are. And if you've ever been that close to a REAL storm you know that momentary feeling of...panic. You won't be harmed, and you know it. And yet, maybe, you could be. But that moment floods your mind with all of the things that are about to happen. The truly awesome power that is nature bearing it's full rage on your particular piece of reality.
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"Just say it..."
dON'T SAY IT. iT WILL BE BAD. yOU JUST GOT AN OUT. sHE WALKED OUT ON YOUR FIRST TRY! tAKE HER GIFT!! tAKE IT. dON'T BE AN IDIOT.
You have to say it. She needs to hear it. It is true. Don't lie anymore. Pretend all you want, just don't lie to her again.
"No matter how much we would like it to be otherwise, at some point, we are in a perfect position to become each other's...."
stop, stop, stop!!! sHE ALREADY KNOWS! cAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO HER? cAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE RUINING YOUR LAST CHANCE? aGAIN?!?! wHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!? yOU are LYING TO HER!!!
You aren't lying to her. She deserves to know. Don't give her a way out. Don't give her an excuse. Don't ruin her life. Say it and it will be real. You know it is real. Tell her.
"...and someday I'm going to find someone that I want to share a...similar connection with. Or maybe YOU will find yourself in the same spot..."
cAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF?!? rEALLY, YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!? tHIS ISN'T AN ODDS CALCULATION!?! tHIS IS love!!! yOU WANT THIS!! wHY ARE YOU RUINING IT?!?
You aren't ruining it. You are doing the right thing. You are helping in the only way you can. Show her she made the right choice. Show her you've let her go. Let her breathe. Let her rest. She's so tired...
"...and when that day comes we'll have to say goodbye..."
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For those not in the know, I grew up in an island. For the first 4 or so years of my life I lived in the northern part, in the middle of the city. Then my mother moved us to the eastern part of the middle of the island. Protected by a mountain range that contains a rainforest I experienced many a great storm in relative safety. As much safety as Yukiyu provided the Tainos, and still does.
Hurricanes are my favorites. I know. You say something like that and people think you are some sort of wacko who wants to see the world destroyed. I assure you, I'm not. But having experienced many of the variations of Mother Nature's wrath, I've come to appreciate its beauty.
Which brings me back to hurricanes. The U.S. has it lousy when it comes to these suckers, but you could have it worse. You see, the lower part of the eastern seaboard is where ALL hurricanes come to die. For the most part they are responsible for the weather patterns for the whole year in the equatorial part of the globe. Unfortunately for Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, North and South Carolina, and parts of Texas, they are in the line of fire.
But what we DON'T get here is the eye. Florida gets it every once in a while. It is GLORIOUS. My mother wouldn't let me go outside, but I told her I needed to use the bathroom, and I knew she was too scared to leave my room. Then I was in it. In my mind, that is proof of God right there. It is like hitting the pause button on a movie. Still. Quiet as death. With the promise of such violence yet to come. It is at this moment that you KNOW you are alive, because you know that, any second now, you might die. You 'ought get back inside. Quick.
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"...I'm enjoying it, for now..."
You've done the right thing. She's free now. It is real to her too. She can let you go now.
ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,hah!!!! yOU DUMB FUCK! yOU'VE GONE AN DONE IT NOW. dID YOU HEAR YOURSELF? dID YOU?!?! yUP, YOU SAID IT!! yOU SAID it!!! yOU DESERVE THIS, YOU LOUSY PIECE OF SHIT!! yOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HEART! yOU NEVER DESERVED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
You did. You did deserve it. But you couldn't handle it. So you wrecked it. That was then, this is now. You've done the right thing now.
tHE RIGHT THING?!? wHAT YOU DID WAS QUIT. wHAT YOU DID WAS PLAY IT SAFE. hOW ABOUT your NEEDS? wHAT ABOUT WHAT you WANT? wHATEVER HAPPENED TO "...if there is a single breath left in my body, I'll make you the happiest woman in the world. I SWEAR to you, I will...", HUH? wHAT ABOUT that!!!
That is what you've done. You've kept your promise. You are not what she wants or what will make her happy. You know what will. You've let her go and get it. You've stepped out of the way. You kept your promise. She will be happy now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The backside of hurricanes are much worse than the front half. That is why I was as protected as I was where I lived. Yukiyu watches over us and fights Juracan under the sunset. Everything is reversed. In a hurricane you should keep the windows in the house on the opposite side of the wind open to alleviate the air pressure difference between outside and inside. If you go through the eye, these windows change. You only have so much time to get that done. It takes longer if you have to find your son first.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's note:
This is where this blog ends. Not because I can't keep writing (God knows it 's not because of THAT!! ed.), but because I don't know what the other side brings. Just like in a hurricane. These 2 to 5 minutes of my life just happened today. It felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane and I'm just coming to grips with it now, hours after it happened. The person who it is about won't be able to read this, and that is a courtesy I don't often extend. Maybe someday I'll be able to be honest enough to show it.
We've all had moments like this one, where we make a decision REAL by sharing it with someone else. Until it is heard you can always go back on your word. And, invariably, the proverbial "angel and demon" appear on your shoulder as you are doing it. But it isn't as clear as they make it seem in cartoons. Both sides make sense at some point. And it usually isn't about "good and evil". It's about "me first or me second". I know what decision I've made in this example, and I am prepared to live with my decision, no matter the outcome. I would just like to know who was the angel and who was the devil.
What do YOU think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"...I thought I was ready to say it. I wasn't. You were right. I should have stayed quiet...damn..."
"...tell me, which one do you flip?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's like a sudden clap of lightning really, really close.
I grew up in a place where sudden storms were commonplace. Still are. And if you've ever been that close to a REAL storm you know that momentary feeling of...panic. You won't be harmed, and you know it. And yet, maybe, you could be. But that moment floods your mind with all of the things that are about to happen. The truly awesome power that is nature bearing it's full rage on your particular piece of reality.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just say it..."
dON'T SAY IT. iT WILL BE BAD. yOU JUST GOT AN OUT. sHE WALKED OUT ON YOUR FIRST TRY! tAKE HER GIFT!! tAKE IT. dON'T BE AN IDIOT.
You have to say it. She needs to hear it. It is true. Don't lie anymore. Pretend all you want, just don't lie to her again.
"No matter how much we would like it to be otherwise, at some point, we are in a perfect position to become each other's...."
stop, stop, stop!!! sHE ALREADY KNOWS! cAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO HER? cAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE RUINING YOUR LAST CHANCE? aGAIN?!?! wHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!? yOU are LYING TO HER!!!
You aren't lying to her. She deserves to know. Don't give her a way out. Don't give her an excuse. Don't ruin her life. Say it and it will be real. You know it is real. Tell her.
"...and someday I'm going to find someone that I want to share a...similar connection with. Or maybe YOU will find yourself in the same spot..."
cAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF?!? rEALLY, YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!? tHIS ISN'T AN ODDS CALCULATION!?! tHIS IS love!!! yOU WANT THIS!! wHY ARE YOU RUINING IT?!?
You aren't ruining it. You are doing the right thing. You are helping in the only way you can. Show her she made the right choice. Show her you've let her go. Let her breathe. Let her rest. She's so tired...
"...and when that day comes we'll have to say goodbye..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those not in the know, I grew up in an island. For the first 4 or so years of my life I lived in the northern part, in the middle of the city. Then my mother moved us to the eastern part of the middle of the island. Protected by a mountain range that contains a rainforest I experienced many a great storm in relative safety. As much safety as Yukiyu provided the Tainos, and still does.
Hurricanes are my favorites. I know. You say something like that and people think you are some sort of wacko who wants to see the world destroyed. I assure you, I'm not. But having experienced many of the variations of Mother Nature's wrath, I've come to appreciate its beauty.
Which brings me back to hurricanes. The U.S. has it lousy when it comes to these suckers, but you could have it worse. You see, the lower part of the eastern seaboard is where ALL hurricanes come to die. For the most part they are responsible for the weather patterns for the whole year in the equatorial part of the globe. Unfortunately for Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, North and South Carolina, and parts of Texas, they are in the line of fire.
But what we DON'T get here is the eye. Florida gets it every once in a while. It is GLORIOUS. My mother wouldn't let me go outside, but I told her I needed to use the bathroom, and I knew she was too scared to leave my room. Then I was in it. In my mind, that is proof of God right there. It is like hitting the pause button on a movie. Still. Quiet as death. With the promise of such violence yet to come. It is at this moment that you KNOW you are alive, because you know that, any second now, you might die. You 'ought get back inside. Quick.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"...I'm enjoying it, for now..."
You've done the right thing. She's free now. It is real to her too. She can let you go now.
ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,hah!!!! yOU DUMB FUCK! yOU'VE GONE AN DONE IT NOW. dID YOU HEAR YOURSELF? dID YOU?!?! yUP, YOU SAID IT!! yOU SAID it!!! yOU DESERVE THIS, YOU LOUSY PIECE OF SHIT!! yOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HEART! yOU NEVER DESERVED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
You did. You did deserve it. But you couldn't handle it. So you wrecked it. That was then, this is now. You've done the right thing now.
tHE RIGHT THING?!? wHAT YOU DID WAS QUIT. wHAT YOU DID WAS PLAY IT SAFE. hOW ABOUT your NEEDS? wHAT ABOUT WHAT you WANT? wHATEVER HAPPENED TO "...if there is a single breath left in my body, I'll make you the happiest woman in the world. I SWEAR to you, I will...", HUH? wHAT ABOUT that!!!
That is what you've done. You've kept your promise. You are not what she wants or what will make her happy. You know what will. You've let her go and get it. You've stepped out of the way. You kept your promise. She will be happy now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The backside of hurricanes are much worse than the front half. That is why I was as protected as I was where I lived. Yukiyu watches over us and fights Juracan under the sunset. Everything is reversed. In a hurricane you should keep the windows in the house on the opposite side of the wind open to alleviate the air pressure difference between outside and inside. If you go through the eye, these windows change. You only have so much time to get that done. It takes longer if you have to find your son first.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's note:
This is where this blog ends. Not because I can't keep writing (God knows it 's not because of THAT!! ed.), but because I don't know what the other side brings. Just like in a hurricane. These 2 to 5 minutes of my life just happened today. It felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane and I'm just coming to grips with it now, hours after it happened. The person who it is about won't be able to read this, and that is a courtesy I don't often extend. Maybe someday I'll be able to be honest enough to show it.
We've all had moments like this one, where we make a decision REAL by sharing it with someone else. Until it is heard you can always go back on your word. And, invariably, the proverbial "angel and demon" appear on your shoulder as you are doing it. But it isn't as clear as they make it seem in cartoons. Both sides make sense at some point. And it usually isn't about "good and evil". It's about "me first or me second". I know what decision I've made in this example, and I am prepared to live with my decision, no matter the outcome. I would just like to know who was the angel and who was the devil.
What do YOU think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"...I thought I was ready to say it. I wasn't. You were right. I should have stayed quiet...damn..."
We Were Lucky or How I lost $20,000 In One Hand & Lived To Tell About It
(ed. note: This story happened in late 2008 and the blog was originally posted on 4-9-09. A couple of my friends have heard of this, but most don't. This was the moment when I realized I was going to have a career change AND started relating everything in life to poker. I've learned some of the best life lessons over the felt and I'll try to share some here. Enjoy.)
I don't tell this story to a lot of people. But I'm sitting here, getting drunk alone, and a friend told me I've been quiet and I don't want to feel left out so...
As some of you know, last year I had to run away from my life. To be honest, I didn't HAVE to, I CHOSE to. I had come out of a 12 year relationship into the arms of the woman of my dreams, just to fuck it up because I jumped in too soon. A piece of advice, take time to get over one person before you start with another one. Seems like common sense, doesn't it? A parting of the sensory...
In any event, I'm straying from the story...
I took off for the caribbean. Family. I needed space and they needed me. What happened on the island is a separate story, but this one takes place there. I was contemplating my life and what I wanted to do with it one night when I decided to do something I had never done. Gamble.
I want to clarify something. I had put money down on gaming ventures before. Football pool for $5 every week, roll of nickles into a slot machine when I was in Vegas, I even bet the singer of my band $50 the name of the opening he had just played WASN'T the Sicilian Defence. (I was right. It was the Pirc. ed.) $7 a week on my pool league. I am VERY competitive. But I had never truly gambled on anything.
So here I was, waxing defiant and adventurous while laying on my little brother's bed in his empty room with his computer. I had just quit my job and had some money saved. Enough to be comfortable on the islands for 2 months, go back and have 3 months of bills paid. Enough time to find a job.
The job I had just left had re-introduced me to poker. Texas Hold'Em No Limit. The game of kings in poker. They held free tournaments in the bar I tended in. They still do. I took to playing on my day off (Sunday, how sacrilegious! ed) to "work my crowd". They also held them on nights I worked, so I figured I could get some face time with these people when I could maybe make a regular or two. At first it was a way of helping my tips get better on those nights, but soon I was hooked. I consider myself a pretty good player and my results there boosted my confidence.
So here I am, full of the confidence that fills you right after you make a life altering decision, and I found a poker site online. Full Tilt. How appropriate. I took out my credit card and deposited $250. I went straight to the tournaments and lost in one hand ( I was holding A8 of clubs in an all in pot pre-flop from the big blind. ed.), leaving me $225. I played another one, this time finishing 23 out of 90, good but still out of the money.
Judging by my results and the play online I decided to switch to the cash tables. I went to the lowest rung possible, $.05/$.10 blinds. A nickle and dime table. This is where the term comes from. I did pretty well, but at those stakes it is hard to make back $50. So I moved up. $1/$2 tables. Here I found the action I needed, doubling up my stack two times and picking up many big pots. It seems that the people that can afford to lose more than the people who play at the lowest tables are more likely to be reckless. CHA-CHING!!! In an hour I had quadrupled my original investment. $1000 in my pocket.
I took the surplus $500 and went to the $25/$50 tables. My plan was to PLAY 2 hands. I would wait until I had a real hand and play it. I could afford to lose $500 and still brag to my friends how I had doubled my money. I didn't plan on winning. I did.
The first hand I played was Pocket Rockets (AA, for those not in the know. ed.). All in pre-flop. My opponent was holding Kings. The second hand I played I raised with K/10 of spades from the cutoff (One spot before the dealer. ed.) with one limper behind me (the guy who called the minimum. ed). The blinds folded and the limper called. The flop came A of hearts, Q of spades and J of diamonds. Broadway!!!! (Ace high straight in poker lingo. ed.) He puts me all in and I called. He shows AA, both red. The turn comes a 3 of clubs and the river is the 9 of clubs. I just doubled up again!
Have you ever had free money? I did! I turned my stack into $5k that night. Do you know how hard it is to keep that to yourself? Very! The next night I went back. I have this rule, only take half of what you can afford to lose and leave when you lose half of that or win twice that much. Not too greedy or desperate. Keep an even keel. Never play money you can't aford to lose. So I withdrew $500 back into my bank account, securing my profit, and took the remaining $5k or so ($4,684 to be precise. Kudos to our Fact Checking Staff. Now drop dead. ed.) And went took the next step. $100/$200 table. The max buy-in was $20k, so I was short stacked from the start. 2 double ups later I was sitting on over $20k. (Where are you now Fact Checking Staff ?!?! ed.)
I took a break and went outside to smoke a cigarette. In the process of the game I had learned that one of the players at our table was a known player online. Being the rank amateur that I was I took money that he would normally have won without knowing it. Oops. My bad. Tee Hee...
When I went back I played the free tables to clear my mind. I found myself at the table of Huck Seed (Yes, that is his name. No, it is a nickname. Parents wouldn't do that to a child. ed.), one of the top players in the world who happens to be sponsored by Full Tilt. He noticed my play and critiqued me. It helped and I felt on top of the world. So I went back to the $100/$200 tables.
A couple of hands into it a new player sat down. New to the table, not to me. My stack belonged to him. He had come back for it. This player was, in my mind, obviously male, even though his avatar was a buxom blonde and his screename was sexually suggestive. I've come to learn that is a pretty common thing for guys to do.
But the funny thing was the screename reminded me of someone else. Someone who also played poker. And I saw myself, sitting at this table (e-table really. ed.) playing with my life. I saw that what I held so dear I would place on the line for more, just like this money.
A of diamonds, J of hearts in the big blind. Damn.
..."I've never met a heart as strong as yours."..."It belongs to you now. Be careful with it."..." Well then I fold. I don't play those jacksass hands."..."I bet."...
I'm holding a monster if the whole table folds. Except he raised. $2,500 to go. I called. $17,500 left in my stack. Flop comes 5 of hearts, K of clubs, 9 of diamonds. Gut-shot straight draw, one over card (Needs one card in the middle for the straight and has one...you know what?...you figure it out. ed)
..."Didn't I play a hand with you like this? Didn't you have Q's? Didn't I know that your Q's would always beat my A/J? A coin flip they call it."..."Can you hit the A? Or do you watch your money disappear?"..."Check"...
He bets $1,300. My lucky number is 13....
...I never told you WHY it was 13 but you knew it was. I don't think I told you. We were drunk a lot. I had so many other things I wanted to say. Some I never got around to. Some I'll never be able to. It doesn't matter anymore....I called. $16,200 left.
The turn comes 10 of hearts. Perfect tens...
...I remember that blustery day walking on the beach, knowing I was going down a path I couldn't return from anymore, seeing us together...perfect tens...how can this possibly be wrong...I raised...
$3,200 to see the River. A pause. An insult. A call. $13k in my hand...
..."Where is the game tonight?"..."IDK"..."Call xxxxx"..."I don't have the number"..."xxx-xxx-xxxx"..."Could you find out for me?"..."..."..."She says @ xxxxxxxx"..."Wanna go with me?"...Yes.I'm not losing this time.You sure as hell aren't winning...
The river comes the Q of hearts. Broadway. Again...
..."This doesn't ever happen to me and I need to know...are you in love with me?"...check...
It all fell on me at this moment. What I was willing to do. What I was willing to give up. What I was capable of asking of myself and others and what I would never be able to. How it never is truly real until it is over and done and you can see where the chips are going to be. How much your hand is worth. How delicate the veneer of our lives really is when held up to the light. What we will sell ourselves and what we TRULY want for it.
...a pause...interminable..."...I can't tell you that I do when I feel this way..."...I've made a mistake...I've misplayed this hand...
My opponenet says "well?"
..."Good bye"..."Thank you. I'm sorry. Good bye."...
I said "If you could take it back, would you check? What would you do?"
He said "ALLLLLLL INNNNNNN >:->"
..."Never do anything half hearted. I run straight into my life so it doesn't catch up to me"...I love you...but I can beat your Q's...
I said "Good bye". I went all-in.
(postscript: I realize that this post is a little confusing. It is actually the hand in question combined with bits of some conversations that I had with the person the hand reminded me of at the moment the hand was being played. The stuff in quotations is what was said, the things after the ...'s are what I thought at the time of the conversations. Interaction between me and my poker opponent are separated by line breaks. For those curious because there isn't a REAL ending to it, I lost the hand. While I made my straight my opponent had rivered his flush. I was pretty pissed. But I was never afraid of a bet ever again. For better or worse.)
I don't tell this story to a lot of people. But I'm sitting here, getting drunk alone, and a friend told me I've been quiet and I don't want to feel left out so...
As some of you know, last year I had to run away from my life. To be honest, I didn't HAVE to, I CHOSE to. I had come out of a 12 year relationship into the arms of the woman of my dreams, just to fuck it up because I jumped in too soon. A piece of advice, take time to get over one person before you start with another one. Seems like common sense, doesn't it? A parting of the sensory...
In any event, I'm straying from the story...
I took off for the caribbean. Family. I needed space and they needed me. What happened on the island is a separate story, but this one takes place there. I was contemplating my life and what I wanted to do with it one night when I decided to do something I had never done. Gamble.
I want to clarify something. I had put money down on gaming ventures before. Football pool for $5 every week, roll of nickles into a slot machine when I was in Vegas, I even bet the singer of my band $50 the name of the opening he had just played WASN'T the Sicilian Defence. (I was right. It was the Pirc. ed.) $7 a week on my pool league. I am VERY competitive. But I had never truly gambled on anything.
So here I was, waxing defiant and adventurous while laying on my little brother's bed in his empty room with his computer. I had just quit my job and had some money saved. Enough to be comfortable on the islands for 2 months, go back and have 3 months of bills paid. Enough time to find a job.
The job I had just left had re-introduced me to poker. Texas Hold'Em No Limit. The game of kings in poker. They held free tournaments in the bar I tended in. They still do. I took to playing on my day off (Sunday, how sacrilegious! ed) to "work my crowd". They also held them on nights I worked, so I figured I could get some face time with these people when I could maybe make a regular or two. At first it was a way of helping my tips get better on those nights, but soon I was hooked. I consider myself a pretty good player and my results there boosted my confidence.
So here I am, full of the confidence that fills you right after you make a life altering decision, and I found a poker site online. Full Tilt. How appropriate. I took out my credit card and deposited $250. I went straight to the tournaments and lost in one hand ( I was holding A8 of clubs in an all in pot pre-flop from the big blind. ed.), leaving me $225. I played another one, this time finishing 23 out of 90, good but still out of the money.
Judging by my results and the play online I decided to switch to the cash tables. I went to the lowest rung possible, $.05/$.10 blinds. A nickle and dime table. This is where the term comes from. I did pretty well, but at those stakes it is hard to make back $50. So I moved up. $1/$2 tables. Here I found the action I needed, doubling up my stack two times and picking up many big pots. It seems that the people that can afford to lose more than the people who play at the lowest tables are more likely to be reckless. CHA-CHING!!! In an hour I had quadrupled my original investment. $1000 in my pocket.
I took the surplus $500 and went to the $25/$50 tables. My plan was to PLAY 2 hands. I would wait until I had a real hand and play it. I could afford to lose $500 and still brag to my friends how I had doubled my money. I didn't plan on winning. I did.
The first hand I played was Pocket Rockets (AA, for those not in the know. ed.). All in pre-flop. My opponent was holding Kings. The second hand I played I raised with K/10 of spades from the cutoff (One spot before the dealer. ed.) with one limper behind me (the guy who called the minimum. ed). The blinds folded and the limper called. The flop came A of hearts, Q of spades and J of diamonds. Broadway!!!! (Ace high straight in poker lingo. ed.) He puts me all in and I called. He shows AA, both red. The turn comes a 3 of clubs and the river is the 9 of clubs. I just doubled up again!
Have you ever had free money? I did! I turned my stack into $5k that night. Do you know how hard it is to keep that to yourself? Very! The next night I went back. I have this rule, only take half of what you can afford to lose and leave when you lose half of that or win twice that much. Not too greedy or desperate. Keep an even keel. Never play money you can't aford to lose. So I withdrew $500 back into my bank account, securing my profit, and took the remaining $5k or so ($4,684 to be precise. Kudos to our Fact Checking Staff. Now drop dead. ed.) And went took the next step. $100/$200 table. The max buy-in was $20k, so I was short stacked from the start. 2 double ups later I was sitting on over $20k. (Where are you now Fact Checking Staff ?!?! ed.)
I took a break and went outside to smoke a cigarette. In the process of the game I had learned that one of the players at our table was a known player online. Being the rank amateur that I was I took money that he would normally have won without knowing it. Oops. My bad. Tee Hee...
When I went back I played the free tables to clear my mind. I found myself at the table of Huck Seed (Yes, that is his name. No, it is a nickname. Parents wouldn't do that to a child. ed.), one of the top players in the world who happens to be sponsored by Full Tilt. He noticed my play and critiqued me. It helped and I felt on top of the world. So I went back to the $100/$200 tables.
A couple of hands into it a new player sat down. New to the table, not to me. My stack belonged to him. He had come back for it. This player was, in my mind, obviously male, even though his avatar was a buxom blonde and his screename was sexually suggestive. I've come to learn that is a pretty common thing for guys to do.
But the funny thing was the screename reminded me of someone else. Someone who also played poker. And I saw myself, sitting at this table (e-table really. ed.) playing with my life. I saw that what I held so dear I would place on the line for more, just like this money.
A of diamonds, J of hearts in the big blind. Damn.
..."I've never met a heart as strong as yours."..."It belongs to you now. Be careful with it."..." Well then I fold. I don't play those jacksass hands."..."I bet."...
I'm holding a monster if the whole table folds. Except he raised. $2,500 to go. I called. $17,500 left in my stack. Flop comes 5 of hearts, K of clubs, 9 of diamonds. Gut-shot straight draw, one over card (Needs one card in the middle for the straight and has one...you know what?...you figure it out. ed)
..."Didn't I play a hand with you like this? Didn't you have Q's? Didn't I know that your Q's would always beat my A/J? A coin flip they call it."..."Can you hit the A? Or do you watch your money disappear?"..."Check"...
He bets $1,300. My lucky number is 13....
...I never told you WHY it was 13 but you knew it was. I don't think I told you. We were drunk a lot. I had so many other things I wanted to say. Some I never got around to. Some I'll never be able to. It doesn't matter anymore....I called. $16,200 left.
The turn comes 10 of hearts. Perfect tens...
...I remember that blustery day walking on the beach, knowing I was going down a path I couldn't return from anymore, seeing us together...perfect tens...how can this possibly be wrong...I raised...
$3,200 to see the River. A pause. An insult. A call. $13k in my hand...
..."Where is the game tonight?"..."IDK"..."Call xxxxx"..."I don't have the number"..."xxx-xxx-xxxx"..."Could you find out for me?"..."..."..."She says @ xxxxxxxx"..."Wanna go with me?"...Yes.I'm not losing this time.You sure as hell aren't winning...
The river comes the Q of hearts. Broadway. Again...
..."This doesn't ever happen to me and I need to know...are you in love with me?"...check...
It all fell on me at this moment. What I was willing to do. What I was willing to give up. What I was capable of asking of myself and others and what I would never be able to. How it never is truly real until it is over and done and you can see where the chips are going to be. How much your hand is worth. How delicate the veneer of our lives really is when held up to the light. What we will sell ourselves and what we TRULY want for it.
...a pause...interminable..."...I can't tell you that I do when I feel this way..."...I've made a mistake...I've misplayed this hand...
My opponenet says "well?"
..."Good bye"..."Thank you. I'm sorry. Good bye."...
I said "If you could take it back, would you check? What would you do?"
He said "ALLLLLLL INNNNNNN >:->"
..."Never do anything half hearted. I run straight into my life so it doesn't catch up to me"...I love you...but I can beat your Q's...
I said "Good bye". I went all-in.
(postscript: I realize that this post is a little confusing. It is actually the hand in question combined with bits of some conversations that I had with the person the hand reminded me of at the moment the hand was being played. The stuff in quotations is what was said, the things after the ...'s are what I thought at the time of the conversations. Interaction between me and my poker opponent are separated by line breaks. For those curious because there isn't a REAL ending to it, I lost the hand. While I made my straight my opponent had rivered his flush. I was pretty pissed. But I was never afraid of a bet ever again. For better or worse.)
Smile Like You Mean It
Say it out loud and it will be real. And it might just come true.
Push hard enough and you will get an answer. And maybe a reward.
Ask questions. Incessantly. You will find a truth.
Ask again.
See where you are. See where you are headed. Try as hard as you can to get there.
Don't let anything distract you, unless you need to be distracted.
Be aware of what you do to others. They are going to be around for a while.
Be ready for anything.
Be honest but learn when to lie. Be careful when doing either one to yourself.
Be cool. Like Fonzie.
Don't care.
Don't worry.
Don't panic.
Dance, baby, dance!
Take the time for the ones you want time from.
Take more time for yourself.
Avoid settling.
Learn to compromise.
Know the difference.
Every once in a while, go the other way. Just for kicks.
Be able to defend your enemy. It's the only way of beating them.
Know when to quit.
Know when to keep going.
Be aware of what it is worth. At all times.
Stop looking at me and look at yourself. Anything else is a waste of time for all of us.
But above all, ask yourself how many of these have you asked yourself.
Then ask yourself why. And why not.
Find these answers. It's important.
Push hard enough and you will get an answer. And maybe a reward.
Ask questions. Incessantly. You will find a truth.
Ask again.
See where you are. See where you are headed. Try as hard as you can to get there.
Don't let anything distract you, unless you need to be distracted.
Be aware of what you do to others. They are going to be around for a while.
Be ready for anything.
Be honest but learn when to lie. Be careful when doing either one to yourself.
Be cool. Like Fonzie.
Don't care.
Don't worry.
Don't panic.
Dance, baby, dance!
Take the time for the ones you want time from.
Take more time for yourself.
Avoid settling.
Learn to compromise.
Know the difference.
Every once in a while, go the other way. Just for kicks.
Be able to defend your enemy. It's the only way of beating them.
Know when to quit.
Know when to keep going.
Be aware of what it is worth. At all times.
Stop looking at me and look at yourself. Anything else is a waste of time for all of us.
But above all, ask yourself how many of these have you asked yourself.
Then ask yourself why. And why not.
Find these answers. It's important.
I'd like to spin again, Pat...
It's amazing the things you can do when you put your mind to it! You can convince yourself of so many things if you just take a step back and asess the situation. Barriers that seemed insurmountable become merely annoyances in your way. Conditions that are insufferable suddenly don't seem too distasteful after all. Determination is a powerful tool. A great many things can be acomplished. A great many GREAT things can be acomplished. Conversely, a great many negative things can be done, for intention is separate from drive.
You see, you don't have to want to do a bad thing to do one. Sometimes we make mistakes and hurt our loved ones or strangers in ways they will never forget, all with the best of intentions. Sometimes we do it to ourselves. People make mistakes, and often they will make bigger ones when blinded by a noble pursuit. Think of every fervently persistant believer, of whatever denomination (ed. I believe they come in singles, pairs, 4-packs, dozens and by the case), that tried to "save you". Regardless of what anyone who is reading this believes about religion, you've had this experience.
They believe they are correct as you believe that you are correct, or at least you should have thought about what you think about it by now.(ed. Yeah, it IS correct syntax) So what they do that you find so uncomfortable/offensive/annoying/pathetic/dangerous/makes you want to kill is not only viewed as correct by that person but determination will inflict it on you, just as your beliefs on politics/race/the military/sports/art/sex/morals/sex/karaoke etiquette/sex are inflicted on other people when you are pasionate about it. If you value something THAT much, you will want others to appreciate it too, so you sell it. You talk it up.
In the above example, that person doesn't just proselytize out of sheer enjoyment (well, not always), but because they have made a decision in their lives to do this. They believe it is their correct path, the place they need to be, the person they should be. Just like you do. For whatever reason. Maybe to save a fellow man, maybe to look good, maybe to get extra "God Cookie Points" to make up for some past fault(ed. They never had that bake sale again. Ever.), they all have one that drives them. Just like we have the ones that drive us.
I have to say, that example is easy. Accessible. Most every body knows it. Even those on the other side. But most of these types of "will on will" situations happen in our daily lives over and over and we don't complain. Sometimes we don't even notice. We all have wants and needs and desires that we chase to fulfill. We are always moving. Man always seeks. And in moving we collide with others in the same search. Sometimes casually, sometimes violently, sometimes intentionally. We won't know when we are that "save you" guy to somebody else until after we are. But we will be, because we are driven somewhere or towards something and somebody will be in opposition. Always. I believe it is Newtonian Law, I'm afraid! Unavoidable.
The trick is not do do that to ourselves while still challenging and questioning ourselves enough to continue growing, a tricky balance and an eternal work in progress. How to measure this has been the subject of as many a philosopher's caucus as it has country music songs, but we have yet to find any kind of device or technique to apropriately quantify the balance of power in our brains. So we have to settle for trial and error. Committing a mistake is only fatal if you don't try again.
But here we run the risk of making a mistake again. It's almost like the human condition is conspiring against itself. The things that are the worst for us are usually the most appealing ones. Just ask any girl on a diet. The best things for you are usually rather unpleasant. Just ask a man going to his proctologist. Is the risk of a mistake repeated balanced by the need to try again? I"ve asked myself that a couple of times this year, and every time I ask it about something I have already asked it about, the answer is always just a little different, a little more complete. We live in the present tense. But our minds exist only in the past and we must looks only towards the future. What next. We are always moving. Man always seeks. In moving we collide. What are you colliding with? Why is that? Ask and ask again and you will get a different answer every time. Well...every time if you are doing it right.
You see, you don't have to want to do a bad thing to do one. Sometimes we make mistakes and hurt our loved ones or strangers in ways they will never forget, all with the best of intentions. Sometimes we do it to ourselves. People make mistakes, and often they will make bigger ones when blinded by a noble pursuit. Think of every fervently persistant believer, of whatever denomination (ed. I believe they come in singles, pairs, 4-packs, dozens and by the case), that tried to "save you". Regardless of what anyone who is reading this believes about religion, you've had this experience.
They believe they are correct as you believe that you are correct, or at least you should have thought about what you think about it by now.(ed. Yeah, it IS correct syntax) So what they do that you find so uncomfortable/offensive/annoying/pathetic/dangerous/makes you want to kill is not only viewed as correct by that person but determination will inflict it on you, just as your beliefs on politics/race/the military/sports/art/sex/morals/sex/karaoke etiquette/sex are inflicted on other people when you are pasionate about it. If you value something THAT much, you will want others to appreciate it too, so you sell it. You talk it up.
In the above example, that person doesn't just proselytize out of sheer enjoyment (well, not always), but because they have made a decision in their lives to do this. They believe it is their correct path, the place they need to be, the person they should be. Just like you do. For whatever reason. Maybe to save a fellow man, maybe to look good, maybe to get extra "God Cookie Points" to make up for some past fault(ed. They never had that bake sale again. Ever.), they all have one that drives them. Just like we have the ones that drive us.
I have to say, that example is easy. Accessible. Most every body knows it. Even those on the other side. But most of these types of "will on will" situations happen in our daily lives over and over and we don't complain. Sometimes we don't even notice. We all have wants and needs and desires that we chase to fulfill. We are always moving. Man always seeks. And in moving we collide with others in the same search. Sometimes casually, sometimes violently, sometimes intentionally. We won't know when we are that "save you" guy to somebody else until after we are. But we will be, because we are driven somewhere or towards something and somebody will be in opposition. Always. I believe it is Newtonian Law, I'm afraid! Unavoidable.
The trick is not do do that to ourselves while still challenging and questioning ourselves enough to continue growing, a tricky balance and an eternal work in progress. How to measure this has been the subject of as many a philosopher's caucus as it has country music songs, but we have yet to find any kind of device or technique to apropriately quantify the balance of power in our brains. So we have to settle for trial and error. Committing a mistake is only fatal if you don't try again.
But here we run the risk of making a mistake again. It's almost like the human condition is conspiring against itself. The things that are the worst for us are usually the most appealing ones. Just ask any girl on a diet. The best things for you are usually rather unpleasant. Just ask a man going to his proctologist. Is the risk of a mistake repeated balanced by the need to try again? I"ve asked myself that a couple of times this year, and every time I ask it about something I have already asked it about, the answer is always just a little different, a little more complete. We live in the present tense. But our minds exist only in the past and we must looks only towards the future. What next. We are always moving. Man always seeks. In moving we collide. What are you colliding with? Why is that? Ask and ask again and you will get a different answer every time. Well...every time if you are doing it right.
Important Safety Information
(ed. note: This was originally posted on Nov 15, 2008. I felt like revisiting it. For my own amusement.)
I felt compelled to write something but now I'm sitting here and I've found I have nothing to say. You see, I had planned this whole thing out. Wake up, pout, make a call and get bad news, sulk, play poker to get over it, sulk some more, start feeling sorry for myself, get drunk, get laid THEN write this awe-inspiring post about my pain. But I've got nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that is how my day went. Some parts were omitted for brevity's sake. Some I just didn't get around to. And things happened that were not in the plan. But when a little happiness is thrown in the way of a lousy day (ed. especially one that was planned) all the wind can be taken from the sails of your righteous indignation. But I digress...
It has been brought to my attention that there might be some confusion as to what and who I'm referring to when I write on this thing. Get the FUCK over yourselves. I'm not doing this to entertain or report on my life. Some of you KNOW and some of you THINK you know. That is where the fun is for me :-) I just want to write the lessons that I am learning down, so when I'm stupid at another moment in my life I can have a kind of instructions manual for my heart, brain and crotch. Who could ask for anything more.
The reason WHY there is some confusion is because I do not name people when I talk about them (although, if you've been in the know, you know I've already cheated on that rule. Tee Hee!). What I write can/might/will be seen by some of my friends who know/might know/are some of my other friends. Or maybe you just happen to know who "I" am but don't know who "they" are. My private life is private, my feelings about it are not. If I am quoting you/someone you know/a song/my monkey I will identify those people with their initials. That way they will know that I'm not ripping them off, but those who don't know where it comes from, but may know that person, are protected from ruining somebody else's day/week/month/year/life/lunch.
If you know who I'm talking about, cool. If not, cool. Just...be cool.
Beware.
I might not be talking about you. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!
Don't take it personally. Just ask Carly Simon.
I might not be talking about someone you know. REALLY, I MIGHT NOT BE. Don't feel out of the loop. I barely know these people myself.
Your comments will, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE, be taken off by me. Like I said earlier, this is an instructions manual. I need user's notes. What you say will sometimes show the effects of my actions and the weight of my words. That's the whole point. Make good use of the space.
I'll try not to beat a dead horse. If I seem obsessed, let me know. It's bound to happen, I just want to set up a good safety net NOW.
Feel free to invite anyone you think would care for my writing to look. This is a way I've chosen to expose myself to new people, so if you have anybody in mind, this is probably ALL good stuff to know about me before attempting to attempt me. And while I abhor shameless self-promotion, I am not above asking my friends to do it for me. Thank you, J.F. or whatever you call yourself nowadays...prodogy...
If you have a question, ask it. You can put it in the Truth Box on my page if you would prefer. I don't promise to write about it. But I just might answer it. Then again, I might just write about it and NOT answer it. Yikes. But don't harass any of my friends about it. They don't know what the ringmaster is doing.
Above all else, it is important to know that I am always right, unless I say so, in which case I will have corrected myself therefore making myself right again. Since this process is instantaneous, I am always right. Unless the Queen of New Orleans (pronounced "Naahwlins") says I'm wrong, but that's another story.
How I wish...I was...in...
If you are on my list of friends on this page you all have something in common. Take a look. I'm not promising quality, but you might see something you wish you hadn't. And if all of you do the whole "recommending me" thing to people, the list is bound to be all sorts of fun! How can you get on that list? Just ask.
I DO NOT validate parking. Don't ask. And, no, you cannot get your two dollars back.
...and have a drink..roll the dice...if it ain't that ol' Chucky Weis...and Clayborn Avenue...Me and You...Sam Jones-ing all...
Don't expose them to sunlight, don't get them wet and, whatever you do, NEVER feed them after midnight.
...hoist up a few cold tall ones...lean your head back and listen...to that tenor...sax...ophone call...ing me home...
I reserve the right to change/alter/rescind/ignore this one time/add/amend/arbitrarily enforce any of the above statements at my convenience. I'm just a bitch that way.
...wear...that dress...I like so well...meet...me at...the old saloon...make...sure it's...a whiskey moon...
If for some reason you want to know about my day-to-day stuff, look for me on Facebook. That's more of my porch, this is more like my bedoom. I'll let you in, but we're not here to watch cars go by...bonus points if you spell my name correctly when you look! ;-P
(postscript: Clearly my name does not appear here nor is there a link to Facebook anywhere. I don't intend to have either of them here. At least for now. I just couldn't bring myself to change any of the old writing. The note at the top was added the 1st time I re-posted this blog on MySpace. I am reposting it now because the same rules apply. Except the ones that don't anymore.)
I felt compelled to write something but now I'm sitting here and I've found I have nothing to say. You see, I had planned this whole thing out. Wake up, pout, make a call and get bad news, sulk, play poker to get over it, sulk some more, start feeling sorry for myself, get drunk, get laid THEN write this awe-inspiring post about my pain. But I've got nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that is how my day went. Some parts were omitted for brevity's sake. Some I just didn't get around to. And things happened that were not in the plan. But when a little happiness is thrown in the way of a lousy day (ed. especially one that was planned) all the wind can be taken from the sails of your righteous indignation. But I digress...
It has been brought to my attention that there might be some confusion as to what and who I'm referring to when I write on this thing. Get the FUCK over yourselves. I'm not doing this to entertain or report on my life. Some of you KNOW and some of you THINK you know. That is where the fun is for me :-) I just want to write the lessons that I am learning down, so when I'm stupid at another moment in my life I can have a kind of instructions manual for my heart, brain and crotch. Who could ask for anything more.
The reason WHY there is some confusion is because I do not name people when I talk about them (although, if you've been in the know, you know I've already cheated on that rule. Tee Hee!). What I write can/might/will be seen by some of my friends who know/might know/are some of my other friends. Or maybe you just happen to know who "I" am but don't know who "they" are. My private life is private, my feelings about it are not. If I am quoting you/someone you know/a song/my monkey I will identify those people with their initials. That way they will know that I'm not ripping them off, but those who don't know where it comes from, but may know that person, are protected from ruining somebody else's day/week/month/year/life/lunch.
If you know who I'm talking about, cool. If not, cool. Just...be cool.
Beware.
I might not be talking about you. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!
Don't take it personally. Just ask Carly Simon.
I might not be talking about someone you know. REALLY, I MIGHT NOT BE. Don't feel out of the loop. I barely know these people myself.
Your comments will, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE, be taken off by me. Like I said earlier, this is an instructions manual. I need user's notes. What you say will sometimes show the effects of my actions and the weight of my words. That's the whole point. Make good use of the space.
I'll try not to beat a dead horse. If I seem obsessed, let me know. It's bound to happen, I just want to set up a good safety net NOW.
Feel free to invite anyone you think would care for my writing to look. This is a way I've chosen to expose myself to new people, so if you have anybody in mind, this is probably ALL good stuff to know about me before attempting to attempt me. And while I abhor shameless self-promotion, I am not above asking my friends to do it for me. Thank you, J.F. or whatever you call yourself nowadays...prodogy...
If you have a question, ask it. You can put it in the Truth Box on my page if you would prefer. I don't promise to write about it. But I just might answer it. Then again, I might just write about it and NOT answer it. Yikes. But don't harass any of my friends about it. They don't know what the ringmaster is doing.
Above all else, it is important to know that I am always right, unless I say so, in which case I will have corrected myself therefore making myself right again. Since this process is instantaneous, I am always right. Unless the Queen of New Orleans (pronounced "Naahwlins") says I'm wrong, but that's another story.
How I wish...I was...in...
If you are on my list of friends on this page you all have something in common. Take a look. I'm not promising quality, but you might see something you wish you hadn't. And if all of you do the whole "recommending me" thing to people, the list is bound to be all sorts of fun! How can you get on that list? Just ask.
I DO NOT validate parking. Don't ask. And, no, you cannot get your two dollars back.
...and have a drink..roll the dice...if it ain't that ol' Chucky Weis...and Clayborn Avenue...Me and You...Sam Jones-ing all...
Don't expose them to sunlight, don't get them wet and, whatever you do, NEVER feed them after midnight.
...hoist up a few cold tall ones...lean your head back and listen...to that tenor...sax...ophone call...ing me home...
I reserve the right to change/alter/rescind/ignore this one time/add/amend/arbitrarily enforce any of the above statements at my convenience. I'm just a bitch that way.
...wear...that dress...I like so well...meet...me at...the old saloon...make...sure it's...a whiskey moon...
If for some reason you want to know about my day-to-day stuff, look for me on Facebook. That's more of my porch, this is more like my bedoom. I'll let you in, but we're not here to watch cars go by...bonus points if you spell my name correctly when you look! ;-P
(postscript: Clearly my name does not appear here nor is there a link to Facebook anywhere. I don't intend to have either of them here. At least for now. I just couldn't bring myself to change any of the old writing. The note at the top was added the 1st time I re-posted this blog on MySpace. I am reposting it now because the same rules apply. Except the ones that don't anymore.)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
macsjaks: Part 2 or "Why I've decided to try this again..."
I used to blog a bit. Nothing really all that impressive or popular, but I was pleased. You see, it had a purpose. When I started, about 2 1/2-3 years ago, I needed an outlet for the things going through my head at the time. I was fresh out of a 12 year relationship (Best thing that EVER happened to him. The relationship, not its end. That was the worst. ed) and consequently had lost the person that I would normally talk to about those things. And I had driven away the person (I'll call her C, for anonimity's sake. Guessing she'll come up again later.) with whom I had tried to replace her with. Shortly thereafter I lost my job and my apartment. I ran away and I tried to return. I tried to re-build and did an awful job of it. Mostly my doing. And all the while I wrote.
It kept things in perspective. It is so much easier to be critical of your choices, thoughts and decisions when you can come back to them later, read them and SEE what you were thinking. But never having had a "public diary", as it were, I didn't really know how best to handle it. Until I met (As much as you "meet" another blogger. ed) JK. I was reading through blogs, looking for someone who was writing about similar subjects to see how they were presenting these ideas and what things I should avoid doing. As I read this woman's blog I became fascinated with her insight into feeling and the incredibly hopeful attitude she seemed to maintain. She combined the real with fantasy. She could explain the most complex of human emotion in the simplest words.
Now, I wasn't a "blogger" per se. At least I didn't consider myself one. I didn't follow any other blogs or was interested in doing so. It hadn't ocurred to me that people that DIDN'T know me were going to be interested in what I was writing. Just some cat, sitting in his kitchen, tapping away at the keyboard, writing things that nobody was there to hear come out of my mouth that I needed to get out of my head. But JK was not only doing that; she was making people feel better about their situations through it! Fascinating!! Then one day I felt compelled to comment on what she had written. Ignorant of "blog-commenting-etiquette" I rambled on a little much and failed to "Kudos" her post. The next day I had a message in my inbox from her. She thought she knew who I was. She thought she "recognized my writing"! Turns out she was wrong, but from the back and forth we had afterwards we developed a bit of a camaraderie. I hesitate to use the word "friendship" because, personally speaking, I assign a rather weighty meaning to that word. I learned a lot from her. About writing, blogging, life and myself. She introduced me to other blogs I became attached to. She even recommended my blog to some of her readers. We even did an Anonymous Karaoke Challenge (This is where someone you have never met, who's picture you have never seen, goes to a place they have never been to to do karaoke at the same time as you and later make you guess who they were by trying to remember which song they sang. Well, at least she SAID she was there. Can't really be sure. That is the best part of Anonymous Karaoke Challenge. ed.)! Then one day she was gone. But more on that later...
I wasn't particularly interested in anyone reading my posts, even though I knew some people were. When the effects of my writings started affecting other people's lives around me, people I knew and cared for, I started to be a little more mindful. Not of WHAT I wrote, but of HOW I presented it. References to those people became just initials (See! Told you she would! ed.) or nicknames. For a while I turned my blog into this imaginary cast of characters, some people I needed to talk about and some parts of my personality, that I called macsjak's Circus. That was short lived. Keeping everything straight in my head and writing in different "voices" was incredibly taxing and not very enjoyable and, quite frankly, I found it a little pretentious.
And before I knew it writing was REALLY important to me. Some days I was posting 2 or 3 a day! I answered every comment and reveled in the attention. I must admit I am a bit of an attention whore (as I imagine most blogges must be in order to be interesting enough to read) and since my career had come to an ungracious, flaming end, that aspect of my personality was no longer being satisfied elsewhere. When JK got offered a deal to write a book under an assumed name (I never found out if she did finish it. Hope you did, Knees. I hope you did...) I had fantasies of writing professionally. Maybe that book I had never started. I think it was David Sedaris that said that writing is the only artform that ANYONE can do, or at least that we all THINK we can do. And, in a sense, that is true. We all have and tell stories all the time. Most of them true, though we embellish. A writer is just someone who embellishes the whole thing. A good one makes you feel like it was real.
I got so caught up in it that I forgot that people who knew me, the RL me, the people that I wrote about and inspired me and gave me the things I would write about were still reading them. I hurt some of them pretty badly. When I realized this I cut back. Slowly at first. Then I started editing what I wrote. Things I would have had no problem writing about before were now taboo. I was scared of how what I would write would affect my day-to-day life. I lost some friends and some others became distant. Pretty soon I was focusing on writing that book. (ed. note: Due to geographical difficulties and a mild case of mental retardation the completion of said book is still a matter of conjecture. The best current approximation of its publishing is roughly 2056. Posthumously. So don't be holding your breath or anything....).
As my life continued to change away from the keyboard I wrote less and less. Pretty soon it would be weeks between posts. Comments went unanswered for the most part. I stopped reading the blogs I liked. I tried to rationalize it by saying to myself that I was simply spending more time putting my life back together. And to some extent it was true. I found a new place to live. Started a whole new career that I entered into quite by accident. Made new friends and, for the first time in a long time, was happy. At least as happy as I could allow myself to be with what I had acomplished while still carrying the baggage of my past life. And then one day the most unfortunately amazing thing happened...
Even though I had unknowingly already started down a new career path, I still looked through the classifieds and Craig's List for jobs in my old field. Somehow I thought that if I could somehow get back to where I was professionally I would also get back to where I was personally. And then one day there it was. The job. THE job! The one that I had started in that field to get. The goal I set for myself when I moved to that town. The peak of Mt. Life-Kicks-So-Much-Ass-And-I-SOOOOOOOO-Rock. Two interviews/auditions later I had the job. I was beyond stoked. It was, to steal a word from Will Ferrell, scrumptrilescent!
But the job wasn't exactly what I had imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. When I told people what I did for a living they looked at me with that face that people look at you with when they really want to be happy for you but can't because you remind them of why they should have stuck to their dreams instead of becoming a pharmacy tech. And I got off on that. The hours were hard and the drama plentiful. The money was not so great, so much so that I kept my old "new" job on the side. The satisfaction I felt was indescribeable, even though I was exhausted and my voice was non-existant every Monday morning (Which, quite frankly, the boss at the old "new" job, Dan, quite enjoyed. ed). More importantly, I started to write again. I needed to just to be able to process what I was dealing with, just like I had when I first started blogging.
And then, after barely a month and a half, I was let go. I was crushed. I don't know if it had anything to do with what I was writing. The company that I worked for is very "digital-media" conscious. So much so that they actually employ someone to manage their outlets and monitor their employees "social-media" interactions. Seeing how my blog, though not linked to my Facebook page, was mentioned on it I imagine that some of the things that I wrote might have had something to do with my dismissal. The reason I was given was that "there just weren't enough hours to keep everyone happy" and they "just HAD to make some cuts" to personnel. But I had already seen the writing on the wall. I wasn't fitting in. I didn't play along in the way I should have. I was already being excluded by my co-workers before it happened so I wasn't exactly surprised. And quite frankly, I wasn't good enough. That was what hurt the most. After 7+ years in the field I had to accept the fact that I wasn't built for my dream job. Just for the lower ends of it.
I went home, got on my computer, and I said goodbye to my blog. My last post. I said the things that I hadn't said but wanted to to everyone I could think of at the time, which was kind of tricky considering I was sobbing my eyes out and an emotional wreck. I said that I wouldn't be doing this again. I was done. I had a new path to follow and it didn't include writing. I got comments from some, most hoping I wouldn't go and some rather angry ones. One in particular (S, my most recent failed attempt at a relationship, due in no small part to my writing) said that I was quitting the one thing I was good at that I still did. I didn't care. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
I went back to the old "new" job. I'm pretty good at it. Planning on going to school for it now. I want this to be my career now, and I don't want to settle for the lowest rung of it. So I quit the job, moved to the caribbean, where I thought I would be studying (Not happening here now. But that will probably be the subject of the NEXT blog. ed.) and, in the process, ripped away the last connections to my old life. Except for one.
Writing.
I really wanted to stop. I really, really did. I thought that leaving behind all the trapppings of my old life, all the old patterns and activities, would help me move forwards. And it does, in a way. But I would be criminally negligent to myself if I didn't admit that there is much work to be done and that the one tool that has helped the most (if any have ACTUALLY helped at all) is writing. I was reminded of this because a close friend of mine recently started a blog here as well. About a week ago. Just for the same reason as me. I hope JB doesn't think that I am trying to steal his thunder or ape his style, because that isn't my intention. I just need to say these things again. See them said.
I know, eventually, somebody will read these. I know shortly thereafter they will comment. And I will learn something. And maybe I'll help somebody learn something about themselves. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just be entertainment. I'm fine with that too. Everybody needs a little escapism and we live in an age where we have countless forms of it available to us. Reading other people's rantings can't possibly be one of the worst ones. So if you are reading this, thank you. And please bear with me.
I am planning on re-posting some of the old blogs I wrote (It has been pointed out that that is the literary equivalent of turning in last year's english homework to the professor at your new school. Feedback recieved and processed. ed.) mostly because I regularly re-read everything I've written (sort of a "perspective recap", if you will) but also because there are some that A) I want to share since they are still relevant to what I am trying to achieve here, B) I am very proud of writing and C) I am a little lazy right now; I've got a ton of things going on so I won't always feel like sitting down to write and I don't want to go too long without posting stuff or I will fall into bad patterns of inactivity.
All in all, I want to feel like I did when I first started writing again. And right now I do. I think I started this about 4 hours ago and it has definitely been therapeutic. It didn't end up exactly where I thought it would, which is not an uncommon ocurrence when I sit down to type, but it certainly has made me feel like I wanted it to. I hope this trend continues. God knows I could use a little happy in my life. I'll be looking for some blogs to read soon as well, so if anyone reading this finds themselves liking it I hope they will recommend some, even if it is their own. Can't promise you I'll become a fan of it, but I'll give it a fair shake.
Until next time post time....
P.S. JK up and closed her page one day and just plain disappeared. At the time, she was one of the top bloggers on MySpace (before it started sucking really hard). I miss her greatly. One of the things she did, which I really enjoyed and will try to incorporate here, is pose a question to the reader regarding the suject that she had just written about. So, in honor of Just Kate, here goes:
Now you, sort of, know why I started blogging. Why did you?
P.P.S. If anyone out there knows what happened to her and, if she is still writing, where I can find her, please let me know. Tell her I still don't want to see her... :-)
It kept things in perspective. It is so much easier to be critical of your choices, thoughts and decisions when you can come back to them later, read them and SEE what you were thinking. But never having had a "public diary", as it were, I didn't really know how best to handle it. Until I met (As much as you "meet" another blogger. ed) JK. I was reading through blogs, looking for someone who was writing about similar subjects to see how they were presenting these ideas and what things I should avoid doing. As I read this woman's blog I became fascinated with her insight into feeling and the incredibly hopeful attitude she seemed to maintain. She combined the real with fantasy. She could explain the most complex of human emotion in the simplest words.
Now, I wasn't a "blogger" per se. At least I didn't consider myself one. I didn't follow any other blogs or was interested in doing so. It hadn't ocurred to me that people that DIDN'T know me were going to be interested in what I was writing. Just some cat, sitting in his kitchen, tapping away at the keyboard, writing things that nobody was there to hear come out of my mouth that I needed to get out of my head. But JK was not only doing that; she was making people feel better about their situations through it! Fascinating!! Then one day I felt compelled to comment on what she had written. Ignorant of "blog-commenting-etiquette" I rambled on a little much and failed to "Kudos" her post. The next day I had a message in my inbox from her. She thought she knew who I was. She thought she "recognized my writing"! Turns out she was wrong, but from the back and forth we had afterwards we developed a bit of a camaraderie. I hesitate to use the word "friendship" because, personally speaking, I assign a rather weighty meaning to that word. I learned a lot from her. About writing, blogging, life and myself. She introduced me to other blogs I became attached to. She even recommended my blog to some of her readers. We even did an Anonymous Karaoke Challenge (This is where someone you have never met, who's picture you have never seen, goes to a place they have never been to to do karaoke at the same time as you and later make you guess who they were by trying to remember which song they sang. Well, at least she SAID she was there. Can't really be sure. That is the best part of Anonymous Karaoke Challenge. ed.)! Then one day she was gone. But more on that later...
I wasn't particularly interested in anyone reading my posts, even though I knew some people were. When the effects of my writings started affecting other people's lives around me, people I knew and cared for, I started to be a little more mindful. Not of WHAT I wrote, but of HOW I presented it. References to those people became just initials (See! Told you she would! ed.) or nicknames. For a while I turned my blog into this imaginary cast of characters, some people I needed to talk about and some parts of my personality, that I called macsjak's Circus. That was short lived. Keeping everything straight in my head and writing in different "voices" was incredibly taxing and not very enjoyable and, quite frankly, I found it a little pretentious.
And before I knew it writing was REALLY important to me. Some days I was posting 2 or 3 a day! I answered every comment and reveled in the attention. I must admit I am a bit of an attention whore (as I imagine most blogges must be in order to be interesting enough to read) and since my career had come to an ungracious, flaming end, that aspect of my personality was no longer being satisfied elsewhere. When JK got offered a deal to write a book under an assumed name (I never found out if she did finish it. Hope you did, Knees. I hope you did...) I had fantasies of writing professionally. Maybe that book I had never started. I think it was David Sedaris that said that writing is the only artform that ANYONE can do, or at least that we all THINK we can do. And, in a sense, that is true. We all have and tell stories all the time. Most of them true, though we embellish. A writer is just someone who embellishes the whole thing. A good one makes you feel like it was real.
I got so caught up in it that I forgot that people who knew me, the RL me, the people that I wrote about and inspired me and gave me the things I would write about were still reading them. I hurt some of them pretty badly. When I realized this I cut back. Slowly at first. Then I started editing what I wrote. Things I would have had no problem writing about before were now taboo. I was scared of how what I would write would affect my day-to-day life. I lost some friends and some others became distant. Pretty soon I was focusing on writing that book. (ed. note: Due to geographical difficulties and a mild case of mental retardation the completion of said book is still a matter of conjecture. The best current approximation of its publishing is roughly 2056. Posthumously. So don't be holding your breath or anything....).
As my life continued to change away from the keyboard I wrote less and less. Pretty soon it would be weeks between posts. Comments went unanswered for the most part. I stopped reading the blogs I liked. I tried to rationalize it by saying to myself that I was simply spending more time putting my life back together. And to some extent it was true. I found a new place to live. Started a whole new career that I entered into quite by accident. Made new friends and, for the first time in a long time, was happy. At least as happy as I could allow myself to be with what I had acomplished while still carrying the baggage of my past life. And then one day the most unfortunately amazing thing happened...
Even though I had unknowingly already started down a new career path, I still looked through the classifieds and Craig's List for jobs in my old field. Somehow I thought that if I could somehow get back to where I was professionally I would also get back to where I was personally. And then one day there it was. The job. THE job! The one that I had started in that field to get. The goal I set for myself when I moved to that town. The peak of Mt. Life-Kicks-So-Much-Ass-And-I-SOOOOOOOO-Rock. Two interviews/auditions later I had the job. I was beyond stoked. It was, to steal a word from Will Ferrell, scrumptrilescent!
But the job wasn't exactly what I had imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. When I told people what I did for a living they looked at me with that face that people look at you with when they really want to be happy for you but can't because you remind them of why they should have stuck to their dreams instead of becoming a pharmacy tech. And I got off on that. The hours were hard and the drama plentiful. The money was not so great, so much so that I kept my old "new" job on the side. The satisfaction I felt was indescribeable, even though I was exhausted and my voice was non-existant every Monday morning (Which, quite frankly, the boss at the old "new" job, Dan, quite enjoyed. ed). More importantly, I started to write again. I needed to just to be able to process what I was dealing with, just like I had when I first started blogging.
And then, after barely a month and a half, I was let go. I was crushed. I don't know if it had anything to do with what I was writing. The company that I worked for is very "digital-media" conscious. So much so that they actually employ someone to manage their outlets and monitor their employees "social-media" interactions. Seeing how my blog, though not linked to my Facebook page, was mentioned on it I imagine that some of the things that I wrote might have had something to do with my dismissal. The reason I was given was that "there just weren't enough hours to keep everyone happy" and they "just HAD to make some cuts" to personnel. But I had already seen the writing on the wall. I wasn't fitting in. I didn't play along in the way I should have. I was already being excluded by my co-workers before it happened so I wasn't exactly surprised. And quite frankly, I wasn't good enough. That was what hurt the most. After 7+ years in the field I had to accept the fact that I wasn't built for my dream job. Just for the lower ends of it.
I went home, got on my computer, and I said goodbye to my blog. My last post. I said the things that I hadn't said but wanted to to everyone I could think of at the time, which was kind of tricky considering I was sobbing my eyes out and an emotional wreck. I said that I wouldn't be doing this again. I was done. I had a new path to follow and it didn't include writing. I got comments from some, most hoping I wouldn't go and some rather angry ones. One in particular (S, my most recent failed attempt at a relationship, due in no small part to my writing) said that I was quitting the one thing I was good at that I still did. I didn't care. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
I went back to the old "new" job. I'm pretty good at it. Planning on going to school for it now. I want this to be my career now, and I don't want to settle for the lowest rung of it. So I quit the job, moved to the caribbean, where I thought I would be studying (Not happening here now. But that will probably be the subject of the NEXT blog. ed.) and, in the process, ripped away the last connections to my old life. Except for one.
Writing.
I really wanted to stop. I really, really did. I thought that leaving behind all the trapppings of my old life, all the old patterns and activities, would help me move forwards. And it does, in a way. But I would be criminally negligent to myself if I didn't admit that there is much work to be done and that the one tool that has helped the most (if any have ACTUALLY helped at all) is writing. I was reminded of this because a close friend of mine recently started a blog here as well. About a week ago. Just for the same reason as me. I hope JB doesn't think that I am trying to steal his thunder or ape his style, because that isn't my intention. I just need to say these things again. See them said.
I know, eventually, somebody will read these. I know shortly thereafter they will comment. And I will learn something. And maybe I'll help somebody learn something about themselves. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just be entertainment. I'm fine with that too. Everybody needs a little escapism and we live in an age where we have countless forms of it available to us. Reading other people's rantings can't possibly be one of the worst ones. So if you are reading this, thank you. And please bear with me.
I am planning on re-posting some of the old blogs I wrote (It has been pointed out that that is the literary equivalent of turning in last year's english homework to the professor at your new school. Feedback recieved and processed. ed.) mostly because I regularly re-read everything I've written (sort of a "perspective recap", if you will) but also because there are some that A) I want to share since they are still relevant to what I am trying to achieve here, B) I am very proud of writing and C) I am a little lazy right now; I've got a ton of things going on so I won't always feel like sitting down to write and I don't want to go too long without posting stuff or I will fall into bad patterns of inactivity.
All in all, I want to feel like I did when I first started writing again. And right now I do. I think I started this about 4 hours ago and it has definitely been therapeutic. It didn't end up exactly where I thought it would, which is not an uncommon ocurrence when I sit down to type, but it certainly has made me feel like I wanted it to. I hope this trend continues. God knows I could use a little happy in my life. I'll be looking for some blogs to read soon as well, so if anyone reading this finds themselves liking it I hope they will recommend some, even if it is their own. Can't promise you I'll become a fan of it, but I'll give it a fair shake.
Until next time post time....
P.S. JK up and closed her page one day and just plain disappeared. At the time, she was one of the top bloggers on MySpace (before it started sucking really hard). I miss her greatly. One of the things she did, which I really enjoyed and will try to incorporate here, is pose a question to the reader regarding the suject that she had just written about. So, in honor of Just Kate, here goes:
Now you, sort of, know why I started blogging. Why did you?
P.P.S. If anyone out there knows what happened to her and, if she is still writing, where I can find her, please let me know. Tell her I still don't want to see her... :-)
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